DEMO DIVA

noun ( pl. -ties)
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome : he felt a surge of anxiety | anxieties about the moral decline of today's youth.
• [ with infinitive ] desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease : the housekeeper's eager anxiety to please.
• Psychiatry a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.
ORIGIN early 16th cent.: from French anxiété or Latin anxietas, from anxius (see anxious ).

When I was first diagnosed with AML my hospital chart had two medical conditions listed AML (leukemia) and GERD which I had diagnosed when I was 26 and wasn't even taking any prescription drugs for at the time. Since April 26 when I got my leukemia diagnoses my list of ailments has ballooned. I now have added Herpes Simplex (mouth sores or cold sores),VRE,(vancomycin resistant enterococus an infection I contracted in the hospital), Fungal pneumonia (result of being neutropenic, having low immunity), Chronic headache (medication and neutropenia induced) and the most galling anxiety. If I were not anxious about the outcome of this cancer then I don't think I would be a very aware individual, but now I feel betrayed by my oncologists as they appear to be giving me the psychiatric definition of anxiety instead of " Of course you're anxious you've got leukemia !" It's a to be expected and natural feeling especially when you get sick and admitted and they neglected to tell you that you previously were being treated for a fungal pneumonia which has now reoccurred and made you really sick ! It was after that admission that they added the "anxiety" diagnosis. I did have a long talk with my social worker during that unscheduled admission and I'm sure I expressed some strong feelings about the abrupt way the oncologist on call treated me and that I had many questions that she had not made herself available to answer . On subsequent rounds she was much more available and I was able to get a better response.

So it's now been 13 days since my last chemo and it's been a rough recovery. I watched the clip of Michael Douglas on Letterman announcing his throat cancer diagnosis and describing treatment saying how far they had come in treating the nausea associated with chemo. What they don't tell you is that the most effective drug Zofran makes you horribly constipated and in the IV dose they initially gave me headaches that could only be relieved by opiates. I did convince one of the oncologists to adjust the dose an give it every eight hours which immediately relieved the headaches. The problem is that I would never have known it was causing the headaches had it not been on the prescription bottle I was given to take at home. So beware friends and look up the side effects of all your medications even if it's in IV form you need to know what can happen.

My Mom says I shouldn't criticize the Medical Establishment while I'm in treatment. There could be backlash and consequences. So does that make me anxious, paranoid ? That's my cautious Mom, not me speaking. I always believe in taking responsibility for the choices we make. I made the choice to have conventional chemo for my leukemia. Having watched many people I know die from alternative treatments while most who got conventional are still alive allowed me to make the decision with ease. Chemo is brutal and very hard on the body. I do know that it's my best chance for long term survival . I understand now why people go to Cancer treatment centers once a diagnosis is made and treatment plan is in place. HUP is a great educational institution, but too heavy on the biology and not much on the psychology of treating patients. I could be receiving my chemo at a nice suburban center where visitors can park and visit easily. A place where the patient's comfort is given high priority with the food, television, computer choices, rooms all tailored for just that. I would never have a bone marrow transplant at any of these places as it's a specialty and I would trust my HUP doctors to do the best job were I to need this procedure in future. If the teaching hospitals want to compete for good paying patients then they need to up their game. They need to provide better food and services like lots of cable channels and new HD TV's, as well as DSL that doesn't cut out half the time and intermittent cell phone coverage. Not having these goods and services definitely effects patient outcomes and attitudes. I'm supposed to have one more round of chemo but I'm going to need some convincing this time. I've been cancer free since the first round of treatment. When is enough chemo enough ? I haven't been able to google an answer to that. I'll go with whatever is best but not without question, not this time.